Sometimes while I'm having my lunch, I like to write on my Legal Pad. We've developed a close relationship. Today, I really let it all out.
Dear Legal Pad,
I’m writing to tell you that I’m distressed. I have seen & continue to begrudgingly witness rapid weight gain and the deterioration of my bum. I am now simply two large thighs and a torso. I need assistance.
But what can you do? All you are is yellow lined paper, cut to size and glued together.
I need you to be a life coach- to tell me drop the mini Crunch bar and walk away. To tell me to pick the running shoes up off the closet floor, put them on my feet, and not come home until I’ve sprinted off 10 pounds. And most importantly, to tell me to repeatedly put on that one pair of jeans I’ve grown out of until I realize the mistakes I’ve made and vow to never repeat them. We all know the effectiveness of trying to button too-tight pants over that new doughy mid-section, and if you do manage to succeed, you turn around to discover that what was once your bum is now an unrecognizable shape that unmistakably resembles two pancakes that were sat on by a gorilla. As I mentioned earlier. Two large thighs and a torso.
You know those new Facebook updates that tell everyone you’re out on a run? Yeah. Stop doing that, show-off. But let’s face it. My disdain for that app is largely because I know if I posted that same update on my own page, one of two things would happen: One- Crickets. Or two- the comments from friends would all run with the general theme of “Don’t Kid Yourself.”
Legal Pad, let’s be straight with each other. I know that I only have myself to blame. But in my defense, I’ve tried it all:
-Yoga makes me yawn an uncanny amount of times. It really is peculiar because I know I’m not tired, but I think it’s my body’s way of telling me to ditch the pose and head to the quiet comfort of my bed where nothing hurts and I can peacefully drift off to sleep.
- I get annoyed with the professional dancer featured in all of my Mari Winsor pilates tapes because she never breaks a sweat and is oddly pale.
- I do play tennis once a week, but let’s face it- the only time I’m really working out is when I’m sprinting to the car because someone (me) suggested it was dinner time.
- I’m convinced the neighbors can see through the tightly shut blinds while I’m doing Zumba, so that’s out.
- I don’t like the gym. And it’s not because weirdos hit on me (because my self-esteem would gladly take the attention but it sadly never happens) but rather because I get bored after 15 minutes and ignore the fact that it is embarrassing to walk past the front desk knowing they know I didn’t work out.
- And lastly, running. I’ve got an intense love/hate relationship with running. I know it is effective- I’ve been there before. But now when I go running it feels as if my entire body has been taken over by my head. Imagine a life-size Mr. Potato Head running down the sidewalk with no calves to speak of, just oddly-shaped plastic shoes, and there I am. Every step feels like it carries the force of 500 pounds, so who can blame my feet for getting achy after ten seconds of “running”?
And so, dear Legal Pad, I’m a rock and a hard place (figure that one out). Until someone finds a 100% effective workout plan that requires 0% effort, I’m doomed.