Sometimes while I'm having my lunch, I like to write on my Legal Pad. We've developed a close relationship. Today, I really let it all out.
Dear Legal Pad,
I’m writing to tell you that I’m distressed. I have seen & continue to begrudgingly witness rapid weight gain and the deterioration of my bum. I am now simply two large thighs and a torso. I need assistance.
But what can you do? All you are is yellow lined paper, cut to size and glued together.
I need you to be a life coach- to tell me drop the mini Crunch bar and walk away. To tell me to pick the running shoes up off the closet floor, put them on my feet, and not come home until I’ve sprinted off 10 pounds. And most importantly, to tell me to repeatedly put on that one pair of jeans I’ve grown out of until I realize the mistakes I’ve made and vow to never repeat them. We all know the effectiveness of trying to button too-tight pants over that new doughy mid-section, and if you do manage to succeed, you turn around to discover that what was once your bum is now an unrecognizable shape that unmistakably resembles two pancakes that were sat on by a gorilla. As I mentioned earlier. Two large thighs and a torso.
You know those new Facebook updates that tell everyone you’re out on a run? Yeah. Stop doing that, show-off. But let’s face it. My disdain for that app is largely because I know if I posted that same update on my own page, one of two things would happen: One- Crickets. Or two- the comments from friends would all run with the general theme of “Don’t Kid Yourself.”
Legal Pad, let’s be straight with each other. I know that I only have myself to blame. But in my defense, I’ve tried it all:
-Yoga makes me yawn an uncanny amount of times. It really is peculiar because I know I’m not tired, but I think it’s my body’s way of telling me to ditch the pose and head to the quiet comfort of my bed where nothing hurts and I can peacefully drift off to sleep.
- I get annoyed with the professional dancer featured in all of my Mari Winsor pilates tapes because she never breaks a sweat and is oddly pale.
- I do play tennis once a week, but let’s face it- the only time I’m really working out is when I’m sprinting to the car because someone (me) suggested it was dinner time.
- I’m convinced the neighbors can see through the tightly shut blinds while I’m doing Zumba, so that’s out.
- I don’t like the gym. And it’s not because weirdos hit on me (because my self-esteem would gladly take the attention but it sadly never happens) but rather because I get bored after 15 minutes and ignore the fact that it is embarrassing to walk past the front desk knowing they know I didn’t work out.
- And lastly, running. I’ve got an intense love/hate relationship with running. I know it is effective- I’ve been there before. But now when I go running it feels as if my entire body has been taken over by my head. Imagine a life-size Mr. Potato Head running down the sidewalk with no calves to speak of, just oddly-shaped plastic shoes, and there I am. Every step feels like it carries the force of 500 pounds, so who can blame my feet for getting achy after ten seconds of “running”?
And so, dear Legal Pad, I’m a rock and a hard place (figure that one out). Until someone finds a 100% effective workout plan that requires 0% effort, I’m doomed.
things that happened this month.
- I filed my taxes for both California and Utah, my previous home. It was the last thing I will do involving my time in Utah. It felt strange to consider that I do not work there, live there, or go to school there anymore, and likely never will again.
- I felt badly about myself. I allowed my emotions to get in the way and drudged up too many memories that were painful and unnecessary. And I allowed someone to make me feel badly about who I am, even though I knew they weren’t completely warranted in doing so.
- I received a very thoughtful gift from a friend. I glance at it and am reminded that people listen to what I say, remember things that I love, and are thoughtful individuals who want to make other people feel good and appreciated. I am reminded that chivalry is indeed alive and well, and that there are good men out there.
- I chemically burned my eyeball.
- I felt like I don’t really know how to play the guitar.
- I prepared mentally to be called upon during Sacrament meeting to bare my testimony about the Atonement. It was a great way to get ready for the day.
- I went to a party in Huntington Beach and was impressed by the London School of Economics.
- I went to a party celebrating a wonderful lady in my life and her upcoming marriage. It was a beautiful party and it was so nice to be surrounded by incredible women that I have known my entire life.
- I glanced at my panama hat and had daydreams about riding around on a bicycle while wearing it. Life seems happier when on a bike and wearing a good hat.
- I stuffed everything that was on my floor into my closet and could hear my mom’s voice in the background telling me that cleaning my room would be so much easier if I would just hang clothes up right when I take them off.
- I went to the eye doctor for said chemical burn, and realized again just how bad my eyesight really is. But rather than schedule the eye exam, I bought another bag of dried mangoes and called it a successful trip.
- i thought seriously about buying a used banjo and taking lessons with my tax refund money, which has miraculously already been deposited into my bank account.
- Looked at pictures of Hawaii and remembered how nice it was to be warm and tan on the beach.
- Then I remembered that I get to be warm and tan on the beach for an entire week in August. In El Salvador! Muy, muy bien.
- I made a detailed workout plan for each day of the week, then managed to completely ignore it.
- I felt grateful for the seemingly-unnecessary Anthropologie purchase that has proved to be an asset in my life, on my bed, and on my couch.
- Built a fire in the fire pit, finally. I even dragged out my Ikea-version Persian rug. It felt like a real good outdoor party. And I was well-pleased.
- Realized I am far too lax and borderline irreverent 99% of the time. But probably won’t do much to fix it, because somebody has to be the Mormon girl to whom everyone can compare themselves and feel much more righteous. I am so generous, and thoughtful.
- Listened to Neil Young for a solid two hours and didn’t even make a dent in the playlist that consists of a blessed number of songs.
- Thought about running away to Europe and making a life there doing who knows what but being completely happy with that fact. I will probably continue to think about this one into the next week.