enlightened, and in more ways than one.

I won't say I'm confused, because I don't necessarily feel like I am, but something isn't feeling balanced. I find myself in a limbo of direction if that makes any sense. I'm too comfortable and too used to the daily goings-on and I think it's high time for me to do something new and different. I need a project to focus my attention. While I understand that it is probably more beneficial to me, in a scholastic sense at least, to pour all of this direction-less expression into homework, I can't seem to do so. It's funny that I'm talking of needing to release what seems like a sudden burst of self-expression. It's also laughable that when I first started thinking about this my first reaction was to look at artistic outlets. I can't draw to save my life. I think I need to stop thinking.
My I-Tunes isn't working and I really wish I had my iPod.
I don't feel like I'm passionate about anything I'm doing right now. I always watch movies and wish that life, as everyone knows it, modeled itself as such. Everyone is profound, love is the most intense experience ever, and gross conflicts are resolved with blank screens and a change of scene.
I don't think I have any conflicts. The most interesting thing about me is that I'm painfully normal. Run-of-the-mill, if you will. My upbringing channelled a lifestyle most upper-middle-class families enjoyed--I was straightlaced. I wore cardigan sets. I took piano lessons and sang in the choir. In the race to set ourselves apart, I probably stood on the sidelines with a stopwatch and analyzed the average time spent racing towards the finish.
Although a grand generalization, I think it's fair to say that what sets most people apart are their passions. However, I'd say that music, my passion, doesn't necessarily set me apart because my tastes blend well with oh-so-many others. But, on the other hand I'd also say that "passion" requires time spent. And my time spent on music may be the defining factor, my "set apart" status.
I suddenly forgot where I'm going with this. I think I now understand the dual nature of man, as taught by Homer. One part of me was on a self-actualizing kick, and now the other side takes over and I just want to be quiet.

something like m&m's and ice water

for as long as i have known myself, i have understood that i have crushes on everyone i meet. before quick judgments and assumptions are made, let us take a quick look at the pro's of living such a life. by having a crush on everyone i meet, i enable myself to feel an ounce of love for everyone i meet, thus meaning that i am a nice person. by having a crush on everyone i meet, life is just that much more exciting. stomache flops and butterflies are omnipresent, getting lost in thoughts of long and happy lives spent with 'object A' are daily occurrences (and not to mention always changing since 'object A' is quickly replaced with objects 'B', 'C', and 'D'), and probably most importantly, i try harder to be a better version of myself to attract said objects. i find this to be most beneficial, as the harder i try to form habits of good decisions and righteous, productive living, the easier it becomes for those habits to become routine, and voila! you have a better version of cami. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is so righteous, in a gnarly sort of way.
that being said, can i now just complain how busy i am? so many crushes! so many potential lifemates! a girl can only handle so much! everyone is breaking up with everyone, providing me ample opportunity to fashion the perfect version of each object in my head. old objects are moving out, new objects are waiting to be found...it's just stressful! but alas, i cannot lie. it is fun.
i'm hoping my next relationship, whether it be in daily thoughts or reality, will be something like m&m's and ice water. to me there is nothing better than sipping ice cold water from a quaint goblet, popping a few candy-coated chocolates in your mouth, and enjoying a feeling nothing short of celestial for a few short moments. if that isn't love, then i don't know what is.

a special event here, a wedding party there.

work today has been irregularly appealing. i have spent most of the afternoon perusing all the internet has to offer. it offers so very, very much. i stumbled upon a event planning search engine, that finds venues, planners, photographers, florists, and anything else that you could possibly need. there are dozens of results for anything you could think of searching, complete with contact information, vendor websites, and all the like. i may sound ancient, but that kind of technology absolutely amazes me. it also might make me feel unnecessary, as my chosen future profession as a wedding planner looks remarkably easy via the internet and may make potential clients shy away from paying me the big bucks. we will see.

peach

this is probably the most accurate way to demonstrate how pleased i am with everything at the moment.

perty lady, perty mama

life has suddenly made me apprehensive. a good apprehensive though, an exciting apprehensive. something about recent events makes me want to sing willie nelson's "blue skies" at the top of my lungs, driving on the highway doin' over 80.
there's a strange excitement that can only arise from the uncertainty of life. for me, i am strangely excited, even nervous, about knowing that i am finally where i need to be. it has taken me what feels like ages to decide upon a major (or two) that will take me where i really want to go. and even in a non-scholastic sense, i feel resolved. i feel settled. i know i am on track and that confidence allows me to face uncertainty with excitement rather than dread.
it isn't uncommon for me to be outside. i have noticed that my mood is significantly happier when there is a slight breeze, a 75 degree temperature, and the itunes shuffle is playing just what i want to hear. if my future doesn't involve a large porch, ample free time, and lovely temperatures by nightfall, then i haven't lived. it seems appropriate to mention at this time that i have been having the best summer of my existence thusfar, second only to the summer sadie bennett and i spent running wildly about. it was in between our sophomore and junior year in high school and our only concern was doing something every night. we had new mixes every week that we thought perfectly summarized our summer. we sang loudly as we drove from place to place and laughed about how trustworthy "white lightning", despite its age, proved to be. i will never look at 1986 white volvos in the same way. it was perfect.
this summer though? marvelous is a word that comes to mind. i didn't think such a harmonious balance could exist between work and play, but alas, it has. only a handful of times have i felt overworked-- namely when rumored vacations become reality and i am forced to sit out because of scheduling conflicts. that aside, i can honestly say i found the summer homeostasis.
i feel it appropriate to mention that the past four days of my lovely summer have been invaded by lyrics of a song which i cannot, for the life of me, remember the last time i heard it or why it has suddenly become my favorite thing to sing. "show me what you got there perty lady, perty mama". the extent to which i know the lyrics of that song are just that. i have no idea who sings it. i have no idea why but for the moment i appear to be obsessed with those simple lines. who knew that radio-worthy hip hop songs could have such a lasting affect upon my memory.
but for now, i put aside what my brain incessantly repeats, and let the toe-tapping drawl of willie take me away.

all her friends call her little wing

reminiscing- swimming in a sea of memories that are the greatest. looking at photos, listening to the best of songs, peace.
i wish you would come pick me up.